Monday, January 12, 2015

How NOT To Open A Coconut

My oldest has always wanted a coconut.  I don't really know why.  The mystery behind the hairy, rough brown sloshy-sounding bowling ball must have been intriguing.  

On a trip to Cincinnati, we stopped at a store that had coconuts for less than $2 each.  Before he even asked, I tossed one into the cart.  He was giddy.  Unfortunately, it took me almost a week to find a free evening with everyone home to celebrate his dream-come-true. 

That night, I learned the following lessons about coconuts :

1. If it's your first time, YouTube is your friend.  Don't read something off the internet and assume you're doing it right.  Also, it's not just about the pictures.

2. There is no such thing as a pre-scored coconut that pops open with a twist.

3. The liquid needs to come out first.  Or WOW!  What a mess!  Also, it does not look like milk and it will have shell hairs and dirt in it.  Let it sit a while before drinking,

4. If your opening results in another testosterone-filled family member taking it outside and slamming the poor thing into concrete with a hammer , you need to give it a 90 degree turn and tap.  You can slam that sucker all night with a sledgehammer with all your might and it won't open on that fun "pre-scored" line you swore was there. (Also, see #1.)

It went something like this that night:

Hubby: Seeing me with the coconut, hammer, nails and butcher knife at the counter with 2 bug-eyed kids almost in my lap with excitement.  What are you doing?

Me: Opening the coconut.

Hubby: Now?

Me: Is there a problem with now?

Hubby: Looking at the clock. It's kinda late. (It was like 7:30)

Me: It won't take long,  You just tap the back of a knife on this little line.  It pops right open.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.  Scowl... BANG!  

Me: Damn!  That hurt!  And it didn't dent the coconut.  

Deep breath.  Tap, tap ,tap, tap... grrr!!! BANG!

Hubby: Seeing testosterone-inducing work was involved  Give me the knife before you hurt yourself.

I hand it over and give him my pre-scored line theory and the simple tap needed to open it.  

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap... BANG!

Hubby: Are you sure this is right?

Me: Yeah.  I looked it up online.  See? Showing Captain the pictures from the website I found on my phone.  I think you need a hammer.

Hubby ignores me and continues banging.

Me:  You totally need a hammer.  

We get the hammer and decide to go outside and really pound on it. Insert "tough nut" and "hairy nut" jokes here. After 6-8 really hard BANG's with the hammer - even the kids got to throw in a couple - and seeing no progress, I made a brilliant observation.  

Me: Try the nail!  Hammer the nail into the shell!  Then it will be perforated and pop right open!

Hubby was skeptical, but reluctantly accepted the nail I had been holding.  I came prepared.  After several more violent slams, finally it started to open and we pried it open to get to the coconut like stranded, starving islanders.

After returning in the house, Hubby proceeds to look at the phone, convinced something was not done right. 

Hubby: (shaking his head) You did it wrong.  You tap it here. Pointing to the other circumference around the coconut.  

Me: No I didn't!  I followed the directions.  It must have been just a tough nut (giggle) . Grabbing the phone and actually reading the blog entry.  Umm...I swore it was pre-scored.  I'm pretty sure I heard that somewhere before, promise.  

Hubby: On Spongebob?

Me: shrug shoulders ... No.  Well, maybe ... Well, it was a learning experience, right?

Hubby: Yeah, I need to proof read your directions when tools are involved.  I'm blaming my carpel tunnel on you.

Me:  Awww...You love me!


It's worth it.

My kiddo finally got his coconut.  He did not like the coconut water very much.  The fresh coconut, on the other hand, was delish!  Everyone loved the buttery, creamy texture and gobbled it up.

Next time I will pretend I'm weak and just let the hubby open it.  He likes to show off anyway

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